My Pain, My Life, My Diary
by quaint-little-categories
Summary: After seeing how painful the Lisa experience was for Ianto, Jack buys him a diary. But Ianto doesn’t write about Lisa, he writes about his childhood. Abuse and Language. Angsty. BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
1. Chapter 1

My pain, My life, My diary.

Rating: M

Spoilers: Cyberwoman

Parings: Jack/Ianto eventually

Chapter: 1/?

After seeing how painful the Lisa experience was for Ianto, Jack buys him a diary. But Ianto doesn't write about Lisa, he writes about his childhood.  
BASED ON A TRUE STORY

_This is my letter to a world,_

_Who never cared for me._

_Through past and present,_

_In my search for mortality. _

-

Ianto wandered aimlessly around the Hub. Picking up rubbish and throwing it into the plastic bag in his hand.

He can feel Gwen and Jack's gaze on him. He knows they're talking about him.

He looks up and Jack nods at him. Ianto returns the gesture then gets back to work.

Gwen comes down from the Boardroom and with a warm but wary smile at Ianto she sits down at her workstation.

Ianto finished picking up rubbish and got onto making coffee. He picked up the tray of steaming mugs and slowly made his way around the Hub, dropping of coffees on the way.

He placed one on Owen's desk and received a cautious half smile.

"Thanks", Owen said gruffly, "Teaboy", he added, just to show he hadn't lost his mean side.

Next stop was Tosh's desk.

He put the coffee down and Tosh smiled sympathetically yet hesitantly at him, "Thank you, Yan".

She caught his hand and squeezed it gently in hers.

He smiled fakely and moved on.

He placed the mug on Gwen's desk and she jumped slightly.

"Oh Ianto", she breathed, "I didn't see you".

"Coffee?", he asked stoutly.

"Please'", she nodded thankfully.

He handed her the mug and she took a deep breath of the smell but seem to hover over it cautiously.

"It's not poisoned", he snapped.

Gwen's eyes widened, "I know".

She took a deep sip and smiled trustingly up at him.

Ianto smiled tightly back and turned to go.

"Ianto?", she called softly.

He turned slightly.

"I'm sorry", she murmured.

Ianto managed a small true smile, "I know. You didn't pull the trigger, I saw".

He turned to go again.

"Ianto?", Gwen whispered, "Jack didn't either".

Ianto stopped in thought.

"He didn't pull the trigger either", she added.

"Thank you", he murmured before moving away.

Last stop was Jack's office.

He knocked lightly on the open door.

"Sir?"

Jack looked up and smiled, "Come in, Ianto".

His voice was warm and genuine and Ianto relaxed unwillingly.

"Coffee?", he asked stiffly.

"Thank you, Ianto", he smiled again.

Ianto nodded and turned to go.

"Ianto?", Jack called him back, "Are you OK?".

"Fine, sir", he replied, his lips in a thin line.

Jack frowned slightly, "Whatever you say".

Ianto left Jack's office quickly. Walking up the stairs towards the coffee machine he dropped the now empty tray off and turned to go downstairs to the Archives.

A small brown package sitting by the sink stopped him.

It was wrapped neatly and had his name written in the large cursive that Ianto recognised as Jacks.

He picked it up cautiously and opened it carefully, not sure what to except.

Inside the wrapper sat a small leather bound book. A small note was stuck on the outside.

_Ianto,_

_This book is for you to write down what you can't say._

_Don't thank me,_

_Jack_

Ianto frowned and scrunched up the note in his hand.

Where did Jack get off giving him a therapy book?

He let the book drop carelessly to the counter and walked off to do some filing in the Archives.

Two hours later Ianto came up the stairs in time to see everyone laughing and talking loudly as they grabbed their coats.

"Let's try the Thistle and Leek", Owen suggested.

Everyone agreed and moved towards the door. Jack was the last to go and seemed to hover at the door. He turned and his watchful eyes scanned the Hub.

His gaze fell on Ianto and he smiled warmly, gesturing at the door with his head in a silent invitation.

Ianto shook his head and moved out of Jack's sight.

Moments later he heard the door roll shut and regret flooded him.

He wandered around the hub, picking up empty coffee cups and took them up to the small kitchenette.

He dumped them in the sink and ran the water. He washed the furiously, his anger releasing slowly.

He picked up a tea towel and began to wipe the wet mugs. He went to pick up another cup but it slipped from his fingers and smashed onto the floor.

Sighing, Ianto got a broom and began to sweep up the shards of porcelain.

As he did this something dropped to the floor. Ianto bent down and put his finger in the clear liquid, rubbing it between his fingers.

Another fell and another, it was then that Ianto realised he was crying.

Standing, he angrily swiped at the tears but there was no stopping them.

He gave up wiping them away and gave up on the washing up.

He wandered over to the coffee machine, deciding he needed and extra strong one.

As he made the coffee his gaze fell on Jack's present. The small book seemed to call him.

He picked it up with shaking hands and opened it slowly. A lined page stood in front of him. Ianto ran his fingers down the page; he could just imagine the words that should be written there.

Ianto grabbed a pen and walked to the Boardroom. Flicking the lights on he sat down in Jack's usual seat, so he would have a view of the door and he would know when the team came back.

He opened the book and the pen in his hand floated just above the page.

Ianto put the tip of the pen to the page and began to write. It was fluid and Ianto barely recognised his own writing.

_I can't believe I'm writing in a diary. Well, I guess it's all Jack's fault; he bought the damn thing._

_I don't even know why I'm writing in this. It seems like such a cliché. But here I am, writing in this stupid thing._

Ianto bit his lip as the pen stopped moving.

_The teams gone out and once again they didn't invite me. They don't even think about me. I can see in their eyes the distrust, the hesitation. _

_And I don't blame them, hiding Lisa in the Archives was the stupidest thing I could've done._

_I knew all along she wasn't human, that she never would be. But she was the only one who accepted me, the only one I trusted. And for that I blame my father._

Ianto dropped the pen as if it burnt him. He'd written it, he stared at the page. Yes, he'd written that name; father.

Ianto hadn't thought about his father in years. It was something he always wanted to forget.

A strange tingle ran through him and he picked up the pen once more.

_I guess it all comes down to my father. Because of him I never trusted anyone, I didn't know how. _

_When I was young people used to say I was always a lot more mature then the other children. And I guess they were right._

_Lisa used to call me an old soul and I guess in a way I am._

_I've seen a lot more then anyone else has and all before I was 15._

_I never really got a childhood. I grew up too fast and it wasn't my decision. _

_I can't ever remember being happy._

_You know how children have this way they see the world? Happy, all the good things and no disappointments._

_Well my father made that quickly disappear. _

_All I've ever seen is hurt, disappointments and pain._

_And it's all his fault._

Ianto stopped writing, he just froze. He was writing things he didn't even know was inside of him.

He flipped to the inside of the front cover and let the pen drift quickly over the page in large cursive.

_Your sin caused my pain._

_Your sin caused my death._


	2. Chapter 2

My pain, My life, My diary.

Rating: MA

Spoilers: Cyberwoman

Parings: Jack/Ianto eventually

Chapter: 2/?

Warnings: Abuse and language…. BASED ON A TRUE STORY

After seeing how painful the Lisa experience was for Ianto, Jack buys him a diary. But Ianto doesn't write about Lisa, he writes about his childhood.

_This is my letter to a world,_

_Who never cared for me._

_Through past and present,_

_In my search for mortality. _

Run. It was the only thing Ianto could think of doing. Just run.

A figure chased after him, hidden in the shadows.

Ianto ran but his feet barely responded. As he jogged, he willed himself to move faster, but the person closed in.

"Ieuan?", a familiar voice called, "Where are you?".

The voice had a sickening good-humoured tone to it, like they were playing a game.

Suddenly instead of darkness Ianto was in his childhood home.

Footsteps pounded down the hall where he cowered.

"Ieuan?".

Ianto ran to his bedroom and slammed the door. Breathing heavily he pressed his back against it.

A fist banged on the door and Ianto jumped.

"Ieuan?", his father called, a drunken slur in his voice.

Ianto was overcome will the smell of vodka as his father tried to kick down the door…

Ianto sat up, sweat pouring down his face.

"Just a dream", he breathed, trying to calm his heart.

A tree moved outside his window, throwing a disturbing shadow across the walls of his bedroom.

He jumped and shielded away. There was no way he was sleeping now.

He got up and glanced over at his alarm clock.

4:48 AM.

He sighed, at least it wasn't too early.

Ianto made his way to the kitchen, intent on a very strong coffee.

As he made his way through the dinning room his eyes were drawn to a now familiar book.

A surprising smile came across his face as Ianto sat down with a pen.

He picked up the book and bent his nose to it. Taking a deep breath he smiled even more.

It smelt of leather and spice and something that reminded him of Jack.

Placing it lovingly on the table he smoothed back the pages to a new one.

_I just had a nightmare I haven't had since I was-_

_I'm sweating and my heart's beating so-_

Nothing seemed right. Ianto frowned, he couldn't explain it. The fear, the pain, the betrayal.

He closed his eyes and let the pen fall to the page.

_Keep it all bottle up, cover it with a lie,_

_I keep my secret all tucked up inside_

_Cause Tad's been drinking and right now he doesn't care  
About this awful burden I must bear, _

_Please don't believe me when I say I'm ok  
Look a little deeper for the words that I can't say  
I'm too small to stand alone,  
I can't get through this on my own.  
So, please don't leave me  
And please don't believe me_

_There's a house that's dark and quiet where I sleep  
There's footsteps in the bedroom where someone shouldn't be  
He whispers I'll kill you if you tell  
I keep the secret and blame it on myself, _

_My smile is just a shell_

_Hiding my hidden hell._

_And I pray that I survive,_

_But nobody hears my cry_

_So, please don't leave me  
And whatever you do, don't believe me_

Ianto smiled down at the page then re-reading the words his smile dropped. He hadn't remembered those nights for years.

Where his dad would come home smelling heavily of alcohol with an anger in his heart.

Ianto cringed as he remembered the hitting and kicking and without realisation he began to write again.

"_Get in you room!", Tad thundered._

_I freeze, not sure of what to do._

"_Did you not hear me?", Tad comes towards me, "I told you to get the fuck in your room"._

_He reaches out and grabs my arm, twisting it behind my back._

_He pulls me roughly and I fall to the floor._

"_Get the fuck up", he snarls, kicking me hard in the stomach. I gasp in pain and try to breath. I cough and taste blood in my mouth._

"_Get up!", he yells._

_I struggle to my feet and flee to my room. He laughs as I trip and stumble in the hall. His yelling urges me up and I run the rest of the way to my sanctuary._

_With the door closed, I struggle, tears running down my cheeks, to push my large chest of draws in front of the door._

_I collapse in the corner, holding my knees to my chest. I breath deep, tears running down my cheeks and blood dripping from my mouth._

_I hear footsteps and Tad bangs on the door._

"_Let me in", he orders._

_I shudder and curl myself up into a ball._

"_He can't get in. He can't get in", I whisper over and over again, trying to give myself some form of hope._

Tears ran down Ianto's cheeks as he wrote down the memory of one of his many nights of hell.


	3. Chapter 3

My pain, My life, My diary.

Rating: MA

Spoilers: Cyberwoman

Parings: Jack/Ianto eventually

Chapter: 3/?

Warnings: Abuse and language…. BASED ON A TRUE STORY

In this chapter during the memory Lisa is based on my beloved Jen and Ianto on myself.

The poem is for Janet, my stronghold who holds my hand in the roughest times.

After seeing how painful the Lisa experience was for Ianto, Jack buys him a diary. But Ianto doesn't write about Lisa, he writes about his childhood.

_This is my letter to a world,_

_Who never cared for me._

_Through past and present,_

_In my search for mortality. _

Chapter 3:

Ianto entered the Hub early the next morning yawning loudly. His nightmare filled sleep and early morning wake up was taking it's toll and it wasn't even half way through the day.

He made his way up to the coffee machine and flicked the switch. Getting out a mug, he saw the light in Jack's office flick on so he reached for another.

Once the coffee was ready he took a quick sip of his own before picking up Jack's and making his way downstairs.

Reaching the doorway of Jack's office he knocked lightly.

Jack looked up quickly and smiled warmly.

"Good morning, Ianto".

"Morning sir"

He placed Jack's coffee on his desk and turned to leave. Jack reached out and took the mug, taking a deep sip he moaned appreciatively.

"Ianto?", he called, "How are you today?".

Ianto hesitated, "I'm OK".

Jack nodded, "Alright".

He bent his head and went back to work but Ianto seemed rooted to the spot.

"_And whatever you do, don't believe me_", he whispered, remembering the poem he'd written.

Jack glanced up, "Did you say something, Yan?".

Ianto shook his head quickly, "No, sir".

"Ianto?"

Jack's firm tone made Ianto's eyes meet his.

"Are you OK?", Jack asked again.

Ianto bit his lip, "I will be".

Jack nodded, "That I believe".

He gave Ianto a quick smile and gestured to a spare seat. Ianto read into the deeper meaning and sat down.

"Did you write in the book?", Jack asked casually.

Ianto nodded once, "Just a few notes".

"You'll fill it within two weeks", Jack informed him with a knowing look.

Ianto opened his mouth but Jack quickly cut him off.

"You don't have to if you don't want to", he added quickly, "I just thought it might help".

Ianto nodded slowly, "It might".

"You can write down happy memories about Lisa in it", Jack supplied quietly.

Thoughts about Lisa were far from his mind as he thought about his childhood.

He could finally write down his memories, separating the nightmares from reality.

"Thank you", Ianto got up and paused thoughtfully, "Jack".

Jack's smile turned into a grin, "Anytime Ianto".

Ianto wandered up to where he'd left his book in the small kitchen.

Retrieving it, he changed his course to the Boardroom, knowing he had about two hours before the rest of the team showed up.

He sat down and opened the book, closing his eyes he imagined Jack. His pensive gaze, charming smile and threatening glare.

Ianto's hand reached out and grabbed the pen. Poised over his book, Ianto began to write.

_Will you stay?_

_Stay here with me_

_Stay till the darkness leaves_

_Will you hold my hand?_

_Hold me tight_

_Please don't leave me here alone_

_I know you're busy,_

_I know I'm just one_

_But you might be the only one who sees me_

_Why is it so hard?_

_Why can't they just take me?_

_I don't have long before I fade completely_

_Can you feel how cold I am?_

_Do you cry as I do?_

_How are you so strong?_

_So will you stay and hold my hand?_

_Will you see me and keep me warm?_

_Will you cry with me and keep me strong?_

_Will you help me keep my promise?_

Ianto let his fingertips run over the last sentence. The promise. That was something Lisa and him had never talked about. It was a subject that they had a mutual understanding about but they never touched.

_I walk with my head downcast. I pull at the cuffs of my jacket, trying to cover my wrists and yet another secret. _

_It's my 15 birthday and I'm off to meet Lisa at the movies._

_She's standing outside in the cold for me and I hurry to her. We hug and exchange greetings._

"_Happy Birthday" she smiles and kisses my cheek, holding out a lumpy package._

_I flash her a grin and tear into my present. It's a beautiful new jumper, made of a dusty blue in the softest material I've ever felt._

_Lisa bites her lip and watches for my reaction._

_I grin wider and throw my arms around her._

"_You're the best", I tell her._

_She laughs, "Put it on"._

_I freeze. My long sleeve shirt underneath my jacket isn't quite long enough to cover my wrists. _

_Her smile drops slightly so I quickly take off my jacket and hand it over to her. As she's busy folding it I slip my new jumper on._

_It fits perfectly and she smiles at me._

"_It looks great", she tells me._

"_Well, you have great tastes"._

"_I do, don't I?", she agrees, "So what are we going to see?"._

_I shrug and we begin to walk inside, "It depends what's on"._

"_I'm going to have to choose, aren't I?", Lisa sighs dramatically._

"_Yup"_

_We stop below the flashing board that tells customers what movies are showing._

_Lisa cranes her neck to look around, "It'd be helpful if they had a clock somewhere"._

_She reaches suddenly for my wrist and before I can get out of her grasp she pulls up my jumper to look at my watch._

_It's not the timepiece on my wrist that catches her attention._

"_What are these?"_

_Her voice is low and angry as she stares down at the scars._

_I pull my arm out of her grip, "It's nothing"._

_Lisa grabs my arm back and runs her finger along the cuts. I flinch slightly and she frowns at me._

"_Nothing?"._

"_I dropped a glass", I try feebly._

_She reaches out and I don't move away as she grabs my other arm and pulls up the jumper. Tears fall down her cheeks as she looks at my wrists, scars on both of them._

"_No you didn't", she says coldly. _

"_No, I didn't", I agree._

_She sobs once, turns and, with my arms still in her grip, walks out of the cinema._

_Once outside, she pushes me forcefully against the wall._

"_Why?", she asks._

_I shake my head, "I can't tell you"._

_She sobs again, "Why not?"._

"_I can't", I whisper, tears threatening to escape._

_She raises her hand and I flinch but instead of pain my cheek feels warm as her hand gently cups it._

"_Is it that bad that you can't tell me?", she asks through her tears._

_I nod once and as she cries, tears leak out of my eyes and freeze on my cheeks._

"_Why can't you tell me?", her voice rises slightly in distress, "Is it that bad that you can't tell me, Ianto? Why can't you tell me, sweetheart?"._

_We are both crying hard now and I reach out for her. She falls into my embrace and I hug her tightly to me._

"_I'm sorry", I cry, "I'm so sorry"._

_Her hands encircle my wrists and she places kisses along the cuts._

"_Promise me", she whispers, "Promise me you'll stay. Don't ever leave me"._

"_I promise", I murmur, "I promise"._

_She may have seen the scars on my wrists but at least she didn't see the bruises on my back and stomach, the ones I have no control over._

Lisa never found out the reason but Ianto kept his promise. But that never stopped his tad.


End file.
